My psychiatrist, Dr. S. will not give a shit, as he has not given a shit about anything thus far. The guy is a fucking loser, who does not give two shits about me. The comment, to my last visit, when I was feeling really fucking shitty, was “most people do not do it” regarding suicide. He is right, most don’t. And in particular, I apparently am unbeleivable. Perhaps he would be the one I would take out with me? LOL, that would be too fucking funny. Teach that arrogant fuck something, but sadly, it would not teach anyone else. I mean, look at this, I missed my last appointment, mostly because I was so fucking angry at him and hurt, and when I do call, the answer I get is “two months” to get another appointment. Fuck, with the help I am getting, why not stop all my meds? Fuck, I don’t care about much anymore.

Now, when I go, I think I will take the dogs with me. And, most of my stuff, I’ll just fucking wreck it all. Why leave it to a family member who could not give a shit about me? I mean, nothing, and I mean NOTHING that has ever been discussed with her has ever been taken care of! She makes all these offers at the time of things, but then NEVER, EVER follows up on things. Fuck her. Fuck her family. Fuck everyone.

To follow-up on things, I am done with healthcare. I want to call the board and say “fuck you” regarding my reinstatement. I am going to continue on going to school, as I at least have to make the effort to pretend I am going to continue on with my life while waiting for my mother to die. perhaps after I graduate I can take my life. That may be really satisfying, knock myself off after I graduate. Perhaps that is an idea.

If anyone is reading this, first off congratulations for reading what I think is a piece of boring, pretentious shit and self-involved mellow-drama, but don’t think I am not being honest. What would I gain from lieing!? Are you going to save me? Why? And, if I wanted to be saved I think I would have enough personal information to allow someone to find me, and if you note, there is not any. So fuck you all if you think I am lieing. I am just not going to kill myself and hurt the one person I have left, although some days I think “why not” to killing myself. And, for the religious pieces of fucking shit, first off ,there is no fucking god, and if there is, he/she is a piece of fucking work. To allow all this shit to go on, I don’t want any part of that, so go fuck your mother.

After having watched the workings of the nurses at this hospital for the past few weeks, I have really seen how much I don’t want to return to health care. Looking at how horrible these individuals treat the other employees at the hospital, how little work they actually do, their overall poor interpersonal and communication skills and the perspective the other staff members hold of the nursing staff; I definitely do not want to work as a nurse again.

Add to this decision how payroll acted today. My paycheck, which is due to me by Friday, may not get to me in time. The check has to be mailed, via regular mail, since the checks are not delivered to the institutions and without a direct deposit set-up (not having been given the option) I may not receive my check on Friday. Given that my bank is not open on the weekend, and nothing is open on Monday due to the provincial holiday, I may not be able to cash/deposit my check until Tuesday. This is bullshit! When I called to inquire about the check I was told this information. The response from the girl on the phone was “there is nothing I can do”. It felt as if she did not even care that I would not have my money. So, I told her that. She made a comment that I had a bad attitude due to my belief that she did not care.

What did I expect or want from her? This is hard to really put words too, but I guess I wanted to feel as if she gave a crap about my predicament. Allowing me to vent would have been good too. The biggest one would be either her taking all my particulars down or having a supervisor take my particulars down. By particulars I mean the details as to why I may not receive a check. This is something that is not appropriate. To have to wait almost four weeks to have access to a paycheck, when waiting three weeks is the maximum, is totally not appropriate. I did not receive any guidance regarding when to submit forms. The information from HR finally arrived today in the mail, yet, I did not need even know to expect it! I received NO information from either my manager or anyone else about what things needed to be done as pre-employment information. This type of slip-shod hiring procedure is an example of a glaring mistake, with potentially serious repercussions. I can’t help but think if this is the same procedure utilized in the hiring of nursing staff major and potentially life threatening mistakes would be commonplace. Given how common mistakes are already, and how often those same mistakes are swept under the carpet (it is by the grace of god that people actually survive and it is a testament to the resiliency of man that more people don’t die.

So, I actually feel pretty good about not returning to nursing.

Now, regarding the substance abuse; I have been pretty good, but am finding some real desires to use something. Now I don’t know if this is what people would call “cravings” as I really never had cravings, or maybe I did? Cravings are a difficult thing to describe. I think my desire to use is more a mental thing, than a physical need. Does that make sense? I find I REALLY want to use something, but if I don’t use something that is OK, I won’t suffer from withdrawal. During the time when I was actively using and withdrawing on a daily basis I HAD to use, so in that instance I really needed it; was that “craving”? Is there really a difference?

People have said that cravings will go away if you either ignore them or recognize them and wait it out. The time frame typically referenced is around ten minutes. Now, the “cravings” I experience will go away within a few minutes if I just experience them, but the problem is, I really want to act on them.

Other than the cravings, I am doing really well though. I am working, I am relaxing and have started to exercise again. All of this is a good thing and I am happy about it. I will get paid soon from my job, it is all good!

Today I interviewed for a job. If I get it, and I am unsure given my need for references and the difficulty I will have in obtaining the references. Both of my references are people I have not spoken with since my substance abuse became public. So, I am awaiting email responses from them. I am hoping they will provide me with references but who knows? It may end up that I will get nothing and then, well, I don’t know what I will do.

In regards to hurting myself, I still want to hurt myself I guess. As I think about it, I want to take an overdose, I want to feel pain, I want to be treated like shit, like the way I think I should be treated. But, at the same time, I don’t want to hurt mom. How do I accomplish these goals without hurting her? I just don’t know. For the entirety of my memory, I have been giving myself to others. To my family, to each individual of my family, to my friends, to my hockey team, to my classmates, to my collegeaus and to my patients and their family members. What am I left with now? Nothing. I am a an empty shell. My heart only feels pain, like I have taken on all the pain from others. I am so happy to hear how R has done, but it hurts to hear she needed to be away from me. I am curious about T, but I would tend to think she is doing very well also. We all know how B is doing.

Meanwhile, I am an empty vessel. Drained. If mom was gone, I would be so out of here. But now I want it to be painful. Slow and painful. That is what I deserve

When I started to become depressed was around three years into our marriage, so around June of 2004. I had been feeling pressure from outside sources for a while – church stuff and so on. I felt as if I could not live up to anyone’s expectations, let alone B’s. I mean she was like this ‘perfect’ example, although she did say “you put me on too high of a pedastel”. Perhaps, as I see now, I did. But I really loved her, and true love is blind, or so I have heard. But anyway, I started to become depressed around that time, and ironically that is the time she started to pull away from me. As I became more depressed, she pulled away more, or, vice versa. As she pulled away more, I became more and more isolated and depressed. I am more inclined to believe that version of events.

Consider this example of things. When I was working with Julie, B was all pissed off when we would spend time together, even if we spent time in the office together alone. I did not understand why, but she explained to me it was because Julie was so “disrespectful” of her. I never saw it, but men are dumb and blind as we all know! A big part of the reason I quite that job was due to B’s insane jealousy, but part of love is doing things that perhaps one does not understand, just to satisfy the partner. This is what I was willing to do, and what I did do, to make her happy. I have to admit I was happier in my new role too.

Perhaps my move to the U was too close for her? Perhaps she always felt ‘overshadowed’ when I was around (I tend to think I did do a great job). But at the same time, she seemed to enjoy working with me, but I also did a great deal of her work for her, or at least a great deal of her trouble shooting.

In a way, she reminds me of a much more refined version of Naomi. Needing constant reminding and coddling by men around her, if she did not get it, she was upset. And, really, the one thing I never really considered, that at this point is like a pounding hammer at my head, is when she told me she went into a room with Sterling. I mean, here was a guy who was older than me, married, and she went into a room with him to try and kiss him and stuff. She denies anything happening, but who really knows? I mean, how do I know if she ever told me the truth when I look at how much lying she is doing now? I mean, she is bouncing from man to man (as it appears many women do after a seperation but why? I do not understand that part of it. And, it appears to be women who were in relationships with men who, on the outside, treated them very well. I still know I treated B well, shit, I DID EVERY FUCKING THING).

I only hope I will be around to see, or hear, her fall to the earth. I would love to hear that she is being investigated for negligence regarding something at work. That would give me no greater joy than to think her license is being potentially taken away. Or, would it? I am bitter currently, would I feel that way? I know I wish she would get knocked down a peg or two, but perhaps that is too much? I think her getting pregnant with the guy Eric would hate is awesome!

I consider what her brother, B did, did he join the military to try and get away from the family?

So, I just read a little more, and I must say, I am shocked! She is sleeping with many people at one time, and ironically she is stimulating much of her own web. I mean she is cheating on the guy she is having a casual relationship with! Is this the woman I met, married and was with? Shit, if it is, I am really shocked at one of two things.

One, she really screwed me over and had the wool pulled over my eyes in such a way that I was clueless, but then if I was clueless, so was everyone else.

Two, how could her family not see this? I mean in just her emails alone, she is demonstrating two different persona’s.

When I look at how my life has turned out, I am really disappointed. I mean, look, I am trained for a job that I cannot do at the current time, and a job that I cannot see myself doing as I get older anyway!!!!!!!! So, am I am in the process of applying to go back to school, again.

Perhaps I am too harsh and I lack understanding of how others can cope with situations, but even before my medical training, I was this way, willing to put myself out there for others. Hell, look at the other nurses I worked with! The vast majority of the profession is available to help everyone BUT one of their own. When I stumbled and made a mistake, the very people I have seen helping others turned their backs on me. This is a phenomena I would like to learn more about. Why does this occur? What makes the very people one has gone to war with turn? Is it like the ‘call of the wild’ where the weakest in the herd gets left behind? Is there a fear that ‘one rotten apple’ will spoil everyone, or everything? If this is the mentality, and I am not saying it is, then I am really frightened for the future of out caregivers.

Not only does nursing encompass one of the professions with the highest burn out rates, it also has a chronic shortage of skilled providers, which in itself supports the burn out cycle. The profession cannot even manage to look after the few qualified practitioners it possesses, but to summerairilry kick out those individuals who end up suffering them self seems short sighted at best; cruel at worst.

If I look just at my case, as I should be at least stipulated as an “expert” on my own case, I see how unfair a health care provider is treated if he becomes ill. I was rapidly pushed out of the career I have spent my entire adult life cultivating. I was pushed out without any examination of what my motivations were. To try and look objectively, using some of the wording and examination techniques echoed to me by John after his negative experience in Tucson, I wonder how a profession can treat their own professionals in such a cold and negative way? I think during my career as a nurse, I provided excellent, or at the very least, above normal care to a wide range of patients, most of whom were critically ill or injured at the time I met them and their families. After 14 years of dealing with the worst humanity had to throw at each other, and leaving individuals like me to pick up the pieces of shattered lives, shattered families and such, when I finally suffer myself, I am put out of the club so fast I still can’t believe it! Look at this. I was found, in early February, to have abused medication and diverted from my workplace. Lets say this occurred on a Wednesday in the first week of February. I lost my job, was offered an opportunity to attend the impaired practitioner program in Arizona, with the catch that I would need to go through inpatient treatment. For those not in the know, inpatient treatment is very costly, not covered, or at least not covered well, by many insurance plans. Add to that the fact that I would not be earning any income during this time, but would still have bills and overhead to pay. And when I mention this information to the powers that be, it was dealt with in a “too bad so sad” type of concern. Same thing occurred in Washington, with the only difference being Roxanne is an ex-addict and alcoholic herself!!!!!! To have her be the one to fire me, and to do it so coldly, was the cap on my USA experience. To see how a fellow addict/RN and human being could be so cold and just show the door, well, suffice to say that given the choice I would not choice to work with, be friends with, or even want to be around people like that. It really hurts me to consider that after all these years of putting myself and my sanity on the line.

So, I just read the ex’s stuff again, and she continues to share with others my private information, and the way she paints it is really wrong, but it makes her feel better. So, the entire failure of the marriage was my fault, had nothing to do with the fact she was always angry, miserable unless she was in the forefront. I really tend to think she was the root cause of my depression. I do hope to be able to get better, but when I see how much hatred she both has, and shares with others, regarding me, I tend to think less of me.

Everyone I have helped in my life, Brooke, Robin and Tracey, all of them are far better off than I. I can’t tolerate that. Simply put, I do not want to start all over, again. They all got their start when they were so young, and I did not. I am 37 and looking at starting all over again, and frankly I don’t want to start over. I want to be done, to be over. The thought of beginning a search all over again, for another woman who will just treat me like the piece of shit I am is too much too bear. I am a loser, I accept that. My only value is giving to others and one they get their piece of flesh it all over for me. Was it Brooke that brought this out in me, or was it just a lifelong occurance of this bullshit. I tend to think that after a life filled with this massive dissapointment and ultimately being left alone, I would rather just end it now. If I am going to end up, one day, typing up this exact scenario on the computer, I may as well do it now and not subject anyone else to it.

I have given all of myself to my relationships, and what I have left is nothing, absolutely nothing. I am an empty shell who is living with his mother, again. I should be a father, a husband or at least moving forward. God, I wish I had overdosed. I know it would hurt mom but the hurt I feel everynight I lay down is immeasurable and ultimately who I am resonsible for? Myself, that’s it. Besides, in all this time, I have gained NO friends. NONE. I would like to think I would at least make one friend who I could call, but no, I have none. Fuck.

Sometimes I just want to hurt myself, so bad. I mean both physically and emotionally I want to hurt myself. I can’t explain things, other than I feel so shitty on the inside, I want to feel real pain. Like hit myself with something, cut myself, stuff like that. I never used to understand cutters and the like, but no, at times like this, I really do understand. I am so tired of borrowing from everyone, all the time. I spent 14 years giving myself, heart and soul, not only to my profession, but to my two ex-wives, and what do I have? NOTHING. I am left with nothing. The three women, the only three, I ever loved are all doing well (well at least two of them are. R is working well, has owned her house for the past 11 years and has a degree from a school. B, well we all know what she has). I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have two dogs and a bed. BFD. Even S, the one friend I thought would be around, well, she isn’t. But I guess being around for one crisis is enough. I can’t expect everyone to stay with me like I stay with them. Who can.

My viewpoint of myself is one that I am, as shown by where I am now, a totally expendable and worthless piece of shit in the view of the community. I have nothing of value to offer, it has all been spent. I have never put anything in the bank for me, for a rainy day or anything. So, I am getting what I deserve. God I want to die, but I don’t want to hurt mom. How do I do both? No one else in the world will miss me, no one. God that hurts. That realization is something else.

How do I change me so I may be someone who is valued, not just used as a stepping stone. B will NEVER have fond, or any other kind, of memory of me. She has already erased me from everything. What I do not understand is why. Why, and how actually, did she become so hateful to me? How did this happen? I do not know, other than I must have some very fatal flaws. Although, R thanked me today for being there for her, and in essence, she was thanking me for rescuing her (she did say I had that “rescue” personality). It is that exact personality that has really hurt me of late. I have nothing left for me, nothing.